Jennifer's journey with anorexia began at 15 and would consume the next 7 years of her life. Here is her story….

6th march 2001
I can't go to sleep because the voices tell me I'll get fat if I sleep. I can't have depression and be fat. That would be such a huge disappointment to everyone, no one really knows about my eating. I can't let them know my secret. At least now I'm in control. They're not going to know what's going on. I've got to be perfect. If I'm not perfect on the inside then the outside just has to be perfect. I have to be the one in control of it all.

Looking over my journals I was astounded at how warped the mind of someone with anorexia becomes.

At 15, I was smart, outgoing, a perfectionist in everything. No one would have guessed that I would develop anorexia. It would have been the last thing on everyone's mind. School had always been hard for me as fitting in with the crowd didn't come naturally, but other than that life was great. It wasn't until my grandma died that my world seemed to tumble down….

The world I lived in was not as perfect as I thought it was. My mood lowered, I became hard to live with and controlling food & weight became my way of coping….. This was to be the start of a long painful journey lasting 7 years that not only affected my life but the lives of those around me.

I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital 5 times and experienced a side of life that most people don't know about. The journey that I went through to get to where I am today was like a battleground. Hard would be an understatement. It was hell.

Each day was a battle - to get out of bed, to get dressed, to function. My head was constantly filled with thoughts of death, as this is where I thought freedom would come. The world I lived in was controlled by anorexia and depression. Every move I made, everything I said was a consequence of listening to the anorexic chatter in my head. Food and weight became my focus and everything else took a back seat. I lost everything that I had worked for. Friends disappeared, not able to handle the anorexia, school was no longer an option as I had missed so much of it and the once happy go-getting Jenny disappeared into oblivion.

I don't know where I'd have been without my family. They quietly and anxiously supported me each step of the way. When I think back to those times, it astounds me that I let something control me so much that I was on the brink of death.

The destructive voice of anorexia has been overwhelming. Anorexia would tell me to do something and I would listen. It didn't matter what it was that I had to do, to me, anorexia was going to provide the solution….so I thought. It wasn't until after I hit absolute rock bottom that I realised it would kill me. It was then that I promised myself I would never let it get to this point again.

It was at the end of 2001 during my last stay in hospital that my parents did not know where to turn. Thankfully at this desperate stage a friend told them about the Eating Disorders Foundation. This was a turning point for them and for me. Here they were able to get unconditional support and advice on ways to help me. My parents have always been loving and supportive of me but at the same time it was hard for them to understand what was going on in my head.

Through the help of The Eating Disorders Foundation both Mum and Dad were able to better understand the illness and how the mindset works. This information was invaluable. Meal times were no longer a war, but more a time of love and support. The family became MY family again, not the demons that anorexia told me they were. Without the Eating Disorders Foundation this would not have been possible and my journey to recovery would have been so much harder.

About three years ago after many years of dynamic therapy from my wonderful psychologist I visited a kinesiologist. This would prove to be a second major turning point in my illness. The change was subtle but noticeable to those around me. I began to see that life could be different. It didn't have to be a struggle and I was not such a bad person after all. I did deserve a life, I would just have to work extra hard to overcome the battles I faced. …All of this inspired me to study kinesiology.

It's been a long and incredibly difficult journey to get to where I am now, but one I am so thankful for as it has made me the person I am. Today, I am not Jenny the anorexic, but Jenny who runs her own business as a kinesiologist, is a friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend and someone who knows how to be caring and sensitive.

Recovery is about finding out who you are. As you begin to take care of yourself and let go of the behaviours you may wonder who you are WITHOUT an eating disorder. It can feel like there is something missing because an eating disorder consumes so much of your life and thoughts. Recovery is about ignoring the voices whilst giving yourself permission to live a life you truly deserve.

The biggest thing for me on my road to recovery was finding my purpose in life. It was through finding something that fulfilled every part of me that I didn't need anorexia anymore. Whilst the voice of anorexia is still sometimes there it no longer has the power to consume me.

For anyone who is struggling with an eating disorder I encourage you to keep fighting the battle. Life IS better without the eating disorder, despite what it tells you. Jenny Orenstein

For information, advice or help visit www.edf.org.au